In The Summer, In The Cinema

My most recent poll was put up probably too late to draw much attention, but for once that screw-up was only partially my fault. As I mentioned before, this is a particularly weak summer line-up, and we can perhaps attribute that to the after-effects of the writers' strike, as well as the stellar quality of 2008's summer season, which set the bar so high. How could this year compare to a line-up that featured such entertaining films as The Dark Knight, Iron Man, and Kung Fu Panda? Still, I should have at least made more of an effort, even if only for old time's sake. Here are the results:

• JJ Abrams Risks Death by Unwashed Nerd Rage-On - 8 (47%)
• Quentin Tarantino and the Broken Spellcheck - 3 (17%)
• Transmogrifiers 2: Return of the Awesome - 1 (5%)
• I’d Rather Be Dragged To Hell Than Watch Spider-Man 3 Again - 1 (5%)
• Pixar’s Whassup, Bitches? - 1 (5%)
• The Time-Travelling Bana - 1 (5%)
• Harry Potter and the Thing in the Place with the Whatsit - 1 (5%)
• District 9 (AKA Neill Blomkamp Rocks Your Face Off) - 1 (5%)
• Terminator Franchise: Salvage Operation - 0 (0%)
• The Curious Case of Wolverine Wutton - 0 (0%)
• Angels, Demons, and Probably Ewan McGregor’s Schlong - 0 (0%)
• Another Worthless Woody Allen Movie - 0 (0%)
• Hott Sam Rockwell’s Lunar Oscar Bid - 0 (0%)
• Depp and Bale in: Untouchablesque - 0 (0%)
• Sacha Baron Cohen and the Inevitable Lawsuits - 0 (0%)
• (500) Days of Self-Conscious Indie Movie Quirk - 0 (0%)
• Demetri Martin + Ang Lee + Hippies = WTF? - 0 (0%)
• G.I. Joe: The Struggle to Give a Shit - 0 (0%)
• The Unnecessary Remaking of Pelham 123 - 0 (0%)
• Final Destination: Rube Goldberg’s Revenge - 0 (0%)
• Judd Apatow’s Self-Loathing People (feat. The RZA!) - 0 (0%)

What's weirdest about Star Trek's overwhelming success is that people were still voting for it weeks after it had come out. From what I can tell people were seeing it more than once, so perhaps this was a retroactive vote of happiness after people had already seen it. Whatever the reason, it's great to see so much support for something that was treated as a hubris-tainted disaster before even a frame of it had been shown. I had expected something approximating greatness for a while, hoping that J.J. Abrams would go for broke after playing safe with the frustrating Mission Impossible 3, but sadly my anticipation worked against me.


When I finally saw it I was a little disappointed, even though I liked it a lot. The hectic pace was necessary to get all of the characters into place while setting up the Trek universe for N00Bs and telling a story, but it might have been a touch too crazed even for me. It didn't help that seeing it in IMAX made all of those whip-pans and lens flares far more exhausting than they would be on a regular screen, as well as making Zachary Quinto's eyebrows and the... how can I put this tactfully... heavily-detailed face of Chris Pine hella-distracting. I have been trying and failing to see it again on a normal sized screen to give it another shot at blowing my mind. Even without that reassessment, so far it's the movie to beat this summer. Why? Because Abrams destroyed Vulcan. That takes balls of brass. Or dilithium.

After that, the only movie generating more than baseline excitement is Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds. All the more surprising after the critical drubbing it received at Cannes. Not that that matters. Tarantino is one of those rare artists that have created a work of pop culture art of such great impact that they get a free pass for life. Just as I'll follow Eno or Dylan or Scorsese through thick or thin, Tarantino movies will always feel like an event, even when the result is a disappointment (I'm thinking Kill Bill Part Two). It worries me that a die-hard Tarantino fan like Bradshaw gave it a memorable slating, but he seems uncomfortable around schlocky b-movie stuff.


Yes, he gave Star Trek a big five-star review, but then claimed throughout the review that Nero and his grumpy cohorts were Klingon. It suggests he never really pays attention to the "baser" end of the cultural spectrum. Which is fine, of course. Thank God for him giving props to Nuri Bilge Ceylan and Andrei Zvyagintsev despite the whining of readers offended that he would dare like something "arty". Nevertheless, if the movie is going to feature more than one explosion or decapitation, or is actually colossally dreadful, stupid, and predictable on almost every level, best to take his review with a pinch of salt/gunpowder.

Speaking of things that explode, Disguisatrons Two: There Will Be Oil got my vote. Yes the first one had as many flaws as it had great moments. Yes it could be confusing. Yes it blah blah ah fuck it. I loved the first one just because it set out to be a robot mayhem movie with broad jokes and explosions and unearned drama, and it did that with zero apology. I wasn't a huge Transformers fan so I didn't weep because Mammothtron was the wrong shade of teal. I think Michael Bay's decision to make every action scene hectic and every conversation a series of unconnected smart-ass jokes is a terrible kind of genius because you can tune out every few seconds and never lose track of what's going on, because there's nothing coherent to lose track of, and nothing has any dramatic weight. It's spectacle for the sake of spectacle. Criticising Bay for not being Ingmar Bergman is as futile as criticising cheese for not being gaseous. (ETA: I wrote that sentence yesterday, and what do you know, Bradshaw hated it, using a customarily brilliant metaphor about sex to illustrate the point. However, when criticising the awful Megan Fox, he invoked the memory of Liv Ullmann! Spooky.)


Bear in mind, he's probably the only action filmmaker I'm willing to give this latitude to (see Stephen Sommers comments below), simply because he does this stuff bigger and better than anyone else. Without the outrageous spectacle, that dramatic emptiness is really apparent. As I feel obliged to say every time I get excited about a Bay movie, I'm not crazy. I'm fully aware it could suck, but I won't have to wait long to find out. I'll be seeing it on Saturday on IMAX, Crom willing, and if that format made Star Trek hard to watch, it will almost certainly render hardcore Bay nigh-unwatchable. But, you know, who cares? BOOM!

I'd be very very surprised if it gave us anywhere near the pleasure Drag Me To Hell did. Sam Raimi's gloriously silly granny-spitfest entertained parts of my brain I'd forgotten I had, i.e. all of the neurons that were born during my first viewing of Evil Dead II. Much as I have grown to dislike seeing movies with large audiences, I would have liked to have seen this with more people, even if only to drown out the noise of this one old guy who chattered away when we went to see it (my intense glare of disgust did not phase him, oddly). The few dozen people who were in there hooted and shrieked and laughed throughout, and it was great.


I can't remember the last time I saw a film work so well simply because it is so proudly base and silly, but then that's probably because Sam Raimi has not been making those films for a while. Seeing his return to his roots has been one of the highlights of the year, and not enough people have experienced it. For shame, humanity! If you've not yet seen it, you have to go see it right now, even if only for the fight scene in the car about twenty minutes in. I can't remember a more brazen attempt to get a response from a crowd, nor can I remember a scene that has been as successful in generating one.


Canyon's vote went to Pixar's Up, the long-awaited follow-up to Monsters Inc. from Pete Docter. This is a particularly hard movie to write about as the majority of Americans we know have already seen it, and we remain Ed-Asner-less. It's not out in England until October, meaning we're going to have the same silliness we had with Ratatouille, where we saw the movie on the big screen three weeks before the release of the region 1 DVD. Wall*E came out quickly, but we were not crazy about that. Up's trailers have been so wonderful, and unexpected, and glowing, that we're more excited about this than any other Pixar movie to date. Now I know how the Japanese feel (movies get released months late over there, for reasons I do not understand).

Then there's some weirdness. A vote for The Time-Traveller's Wife? Was this a Journeyman fan? An Eric Bana fan? Just for having Ron Livingston in the cast, I'll be giving that sucker a miss. Same goes for Harry Potter and the Wig of Translucence or whatever it's called. I'm afraid I'm not a fan, though that's partially because I stopped reading the books before they, apparently, got a lot more complex. While Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials trilogy captured my imagination, J.K. Rowling's books almost completely passed me by. I enjoyed Prisoner of Azkaban (the book), but never got any further.


As for the films, Chris Columbus' dreadful work on the first one put me off for good, even though Alfonso Cuaron eventually turned up to save the day. Of course, that fifteen-hour narcolepsy-inducing disaster is the one Potter movie that's in constant rotation on Sky Movies, so there's no getting away from it. I will watch them all eventually, even though the second one is full of icky spiders BAD BAD MOVIE!!! I like that they're becoming darker as they progress (just like the books), but from the impressive trailers for the latest film, if the next two are darker, they'll have to be directed by Michael Haneke. (Idea!)


One final vote, for Neill Blomkamp's District 9. Alien Nation without a rubber-headed Mandy Patinkin drinking sour milk? I can't wait either.

After that, the majority of the films on the list got no votes. Fair enough. I struggled to come up with a list, and most of these films wouldn't interest me either. I had high hopes for Terminator Salvation, though most fans had written it off just because McG was involved. For a good stretch of the film he did a good job, with two stand-out setpieces in the first hour, and the good sense to hire Bryce Dallas Howard, Christian Bale, relative newcomer and scene-stealer Sam Worthington (Marcus Wright rocked), and last but certainly not least, internet search engine sensation Moon Bloodgood, as Tough But Beautiful Post-Apocalypse Lady In Sexy Tight Trews.


Sadly, it all fell apart in the final twenty minutes, with action scenes dragging on for too long, before a horribly compromised final reel fell flat. Then there was the distracting and relentless tide of references to the first two movies. I had had enough by the time Christian Bale pulled out the CD player and cranked out You Could Be Mine, an act that suggested he had occupied himself during the nuclear winter by scavenging in burned-out record stores when not shouting into his walkie-talkie. Sadly, there was more to come, with numerous shots lifted wholesale from James Cameron's originals. By the time "Arnie" showed up, I half expected Rick Rossovich to rush in from stage left to hit him in the head with a lamp.

Still, at least I had enjoyed it for a while, and it exceeded my expectations by some distance. The opposite could be said for X-Men Origins: Wolverine, which could well be the worst Marvel adaptation to date. It's definitely in the bottom three. There are no words to express how awful the goddamn thing is, and even my fanboyish pleasure in watching Hugh Jackman do his thing was dented, probably because I know he got more involved in the making of it, which means the stink of failure is upon him. Sadly, that stink oozes off the screen like some kind of miasmic deathcloud, and settles on us as well. And when I say stink, I'm talking a mouthful of skunk-ass-juice stink right in the mouth. That stinky. That FAIL-y.


Even weeks later, after numerous failed attempts to remove the stink with lemon juice, Viakal, and Febreeze, I was still flashing back to some of the dreadfulness. The hilarious sped-up shot of Wolvie hacking away at a fire escape; Ryan Reynolds wasted as Deadpool; that horrible final fight in front of a green screen; the pointless last act retcon of one major death just to have that death happen all over again; Cyclops' eyes setting fire to things when any fule kno that his eyebeams are pure force, not heat; Wolverine meeting Ma and Pa Kent and getting them killed within a few minutes of showing up; "Why is the moon so lonely?", which has to be the funniest line of dialogue of 2009; the galactic-level stupidity of the whole sorry enterprise. Right now, not even an Uwe Boll movie written by Paul Haggis and starring Cameron Diaz and Paul Walker could topple it from the Worst Movie of 2009 position.

I mean, Angels and Demons was not as bad as Wolverine. How is this possible? Middle-aged man runs around Rome shouting factoids about Catholicism vs. adamantium berserker rage. It should have been a slamdunk. And yet the former was more entertaining, even though the identity of the bad guy was obvious as soon as they opened their mouth. I spent the whole film being very obnoxious to Canyon, acting like a cross between Rex Reed and Sherlock Holmes, and I was even more annoying when my suspicion was vindicated. Still, my mom liked it, so it all worked out well.


What else is there? I have high hopes for Moon, as my mancrush Hott Sam Rockwell is pretty much the only person in it, which is how I feel about a lot of movies he's been in. God knows when it comes out here. Public Enemies will thrill me no matter what: my love of Michael Mann is so strong that I liked Miami Vice despite its many many flaws, so the only thing this could do to disappoint me is to be less entertaining than John Milius' muscular feature debut, Dillinger. Bruno could be fun. Who doesn't love jokes involving dildos and rednecks?

Other than Woody Allen, who seems to have hired Larry David to replicate his own shtick but without the bite. No votes for Whatever Works, which tells me that this blog is not read by Larry King. He recently tweeted 'Just saw Woody Allen's new movie Whatver [sic] Works" It's his greatest movie, even better than "Annie Hall" I can't say good enough about it!' Considering the endearingly random quality of his tweets, which are not that far removed from the comments in this prescient Onion article, I'm not sure this is an opinion to be trusted. After the hysterical car-crash that was Cassandra's Dream, I just don't see how Allen can even recapture the dizzy heights of Alice and Another Woman, let alone Husbands and Wives or Manhattan.


I'm also uninterested in (500) Days of Summer and Taking Woodstock, partially because they seem super-quirky, but mostly because I can't help but think that Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Demetri Martin accidentally switched movies. Surely JGL should be working with Ang Lee by now? If we do see (500) Days, it'll be in the hope that a) Zooey sings, and b) we find out if that fucking irksome (500) is justified by the plot.

For a change, I'm even less interested in seeing the last two action movies on the list, which is odd considering my love of pyrotechnics. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is by Stephen Sommers and will therefore have the same tedious talkFIGHTtalkFIGHT structure, but without the exuberance of Bay, or his gift for composition. (I will ignore all flaming on this point, so don't bother.) Plus, it will not be anywhere near as good as the Warren Ellis-scripted cartoon on Adult Swim.


Speaking of futile attempts to improve on greatness, The Taking of Pelham 123 shouldn't even exist. Last week we rewatched the original Joseph Sargent thriller, and it's enormous fun. Plus, it's already been remade as a TV movie, and indirectly by Spike Lee with Inside Man (obviously it's not the same plot, but it has the same feel, and has great fun dramatising New York's infamous air of exasperated cynicism and multicultural tension).

Though I'm not surprised no one wants to see The Final Destination (now in eye-shattering 3D!), why does no one want to see Funny People? Okay, so it sounds like incredibly mawkish navel-gazing sub-James-L.-Brooksian tripe, but The RZA is in it! Bobby Digital, people! Have you seen Derailed? He plays a postroom guy who hangs out with executive Clive Owen, and it's the most out-of-place performance I've ever seen. Each time they interacted, my brain tried to leap out of my head. There's that bloke from Chancer, walking through the office, and OMG HE'S CHATTING WITH THE RZA! Everything's better with a bit of RZA in it.


So, anyway. Go see lots of movies, and in a couple of months, if I remember, I'll put up my usual end-of-summer polls to determine which movies sank, which swam, and which soared like celluloid eagles.

'Twas Here My Summer Exploded

Summertime! Or, as Prince of Freshland Willard Smith once put it, summersummersummertime! All of its joys (such as the sunshine, the wasps, the ever-present sheen of sticky sweat) pale into insignificance next to my favourite thing in the world ever; the summer movie season. As usual, the anticipation is bound to be much more nourishing than the actual movies themselves, though last year saw an unprecedented bumper crop of excellent popcorn entertainment which should, technically, raise my excitement to even greater levels, what with the summer movie season finally offering brainfood as well as robot wars. Sadly, that 2009 highwater mark and the recent writer's strike means I'm less excited about this year's line-up. Sure, I'll see a fair few, but there's only one or two I'm goggle-eyed with obnoxious enthusiasm over. My face is sad.

Those who know me have a pretty good idea which movies have me froth-mouthed, but I'll save that for now, because I'm more interested in what you, the readers of this blog, are most excited about. Just like last year, I want to see what is getting this small cross-section of people most pumped. Sadly, due to RL complications, I forgot to do this earlier, and have therefore included a film that has already been released (The Further Adventures of Logan T. Loganstein And His Whirring Claws Of Kill), but perhaps, if you've already seen it, you enjoyed it so much you can't wait to see it again! I gather it's depressingly bad hella-exciting. Anyway, here's the list.

• Terminator Franchise: Salvage Operation


• I’d Rather Be Dragged To Hell Than Watch Spider-Man 3 Again


• JJ Abrams Risks Death by Unwashed Nerd Rage-On


• Transmogrifiers 2: Return of the Awesome


• The Curious Case of Wolverine Wutton


• Angels, Demons, and Probably Ewan McGregor’s Schlong


• Another Worthless Woody Allen Movie


• The Unnecessary Remaking of Pelham 123


• (500) Days of Self-Conscious Indie Movie Quirk


• The Time-Travelling Bana


• Harry Potter and the Thing in the Place with the Whatsit


• Demetri Martin + Ang Lee + Hippies = WTF?


• District 9 (AKA Neill Blomkamp Rocks Your Face Off)


• Hott Sam Rockwell’s Lunar Oscar Bid


• Pixar’s Whassup, Bitches?


• Depp and Bale in: Untouchablesque


• Sacha Baron Cohen and the Inevitable Lawsuits


• G.I. Joe: The Struggle to Give a Shit


• Quentin Tarantino and the Broken Spellcheck


• Final Destination: Rube Goldberg’s Revenge


• Judd Apatow’s Self-Loathing People (feat. The RZA!)

Seriously! The RZA is in the next Judd Apatow movie! I can't wait, though I'd much rather see a full-length Bobby Digital film than some navel-gazing James L. Brooks homage, no matter how good it is. Anyway, the poll will be up in a sec, and will be around for approximately numerous weeks.

Let Down By The Academy Again

The nominations are out as of yesterday, and in my annual mid-January funk I have looked at them, blinked, and mentally walked away to do something else (i.e. job searching). Recently I added a poll about outlandish potential nominations to the sidebar, and when I did it I figured I had come up with some odd choices, but maybe one or two long shots. Now I see that unless the movie's title contains the words Slumdog or Curious, or is about a Nazi cougar, its chances were slimmer than a creepily enyoungenised CGI Cate Blanchett. Here are the results of that ill-fated poll...

Which Highly Unlikely Oscar Nom Would Please You Most?

Actor - Robert Downey Jr. (Iron Man) - 7 (33%)

Original Screenplay - Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg (Pineapple Express) - 4 (19%)

Director - Martin McDonagh (In Bruges) - 3 (14%)

Supporting Actor - Aaron Eckhart (The Dark Knight) - 3 (14%)

Actress - Frances McDormand (Burn After Reading) - 1 (4%)

Photography - Caleb Deschanel (The Spiderwick Chronicles) - 1 (4%)

Art Direction - Peter Francis (Hellboy 2) - 1 (4%)

Visual Effects - Speed Racer - 1 (4%)

Supporting Actress - Emily Mortimer (Redbelt) - 0 (0%)

Costume Design - Eiko Ishioka (The Fall) - 0 (0%)

Foreign Language Picture - Let The Right One In - 0 (0%)

Adapted Screenplay - David Gordon Green (Snow Angels) - 0 (0%)

Winning the poll with ease was Robert Downey Jr. For his pitch-perfect personification of Tony Stark in Iron Man. As the nomination date approached it became increasingly obvious that he would be given a nod for his work as Kirk Lazarus in Tropic Thunder, but I had still hoped that we would see a superhero getting some Best Actor love. It's hard to be bitter about it, though. Of the four actor nominations I've seen, three are definitely worthy, and the fourth, Brad Pitt, was good but varied little through the running time of the film. We've not yet seen The Visitor, but Richard Jenkins is wonderful in everything (he's very funny in Step Brothers), so I can't imagine he would suddenly suck in this.


Next up is Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg for their Pineapple Express script, which shares Superbad's seemingly effortless air while being drumtight and superbly structured. In fact, possibly the only other original script that surpasses this for structural brilliance and comic genius is Martin McDonagh's phenomenally good work on In Bruges, which got a well-deserved nomination. Though I think McDonagh should walk it, I reckon Dustin Lance Black will get it for Milk. As Canyon said to me earlier, Best Original Script often goes to the movie that has been nominated for a few big prizes but doesn't win them (Good Will Hunting and Fargo spring to mind), and Milk won't get any of the more visible awards, so it'll win here instead. Wall*E is guaranteed Best Animated Picture, Frozen River might have a shot though it would be a very long one (another movie we've not yet seen so I can't judge that with 100% accuracy), and In Bruges and Happy-Go-Lucky have no other nominations to lose, so this one's in the bag for the Big Love writer. I may not have liked how closely it hewed to the biopic template, and it was on the nose a bit too often for my liking, but it was by no means terrible.


Speaking of In Bruges, some people agreed with me that McDonagh deserved a nomination for his sure-handed direction. Though I think the most impressive directorial debut of the year was Steve McQueen on Hunger, McDonagh did great work on In Bruges, especially on the low budget he had. Of the actual nominees, the most personally upsetting is David Fincher. I've long adored the guy's work, but now he gets praise for his flattest movie. I'll defend everything else he's done, and yes that means Alien3, The Game and Panic Room, all of which I like/love, but this is a nothing movie that just happens to contain some of the most amazing technical film work of the decade. If it were up to me, someone would hand over the award to Gus Van Sant right now (Canyon has even admitted a Ron Howard win would make her happy, as she loved Frost/Nixon so much), but instead it'll be Fincher or Boyle. The money is on the latter right now.


Aaron Eckhart's superb work as Harvey Dent didn't just thrill me, I'm very happy to say, but again, not enough Academy members agreed. I guess he could accept Heath Ledger's Oscar when he inevitably wins. Again, that would be a win I could live with, though it's hard to generate that much enthusiasm for it. No amount of awards is going to bring him back, after all. Other than that, I did enjoy Michael Shannon's hatstand performance as The Craziest Man In Suburbia in Revolutionary Road, but I don't think it should win.


Frances McDormand gets a single vote for her terrific work in Burn After Reading, and believe me, I considered adding Brad Pitt to this list as well; he's almost there in Benjamin Button but he totally nails it in this. His scenes with McDormand are the highlights of the movie. Anyway, she didn't get a nomination (for a comedy?!?! Are you mad?!!?!!?!?!???!), but Kate "Gather" Winslet did for The Reader, and not her blistering work as The Unhappiest Woman In Suburbia in Revolutionary Road. We've not yet see The Reader (actually, we've not seen any of the Best Actress films, shamefully, though we're working on it), but no matter how good she is, it does smack of self-parody that the Academy has given her a nomination for playing an illiterate former Nazi from youth to old age. They really don't give a shit about how ridiculous their choices seem, do they.


Someone else saw The Spiderwick Chronicles! And they loved Caleb Deschanel's radiant photography as much as I did, which is nice. It's one of the most visually impressive movies of the year, with some lovely naturalistic effects that look as beautifully lit as the sets. If only more people were interested in seeing it. Of the actual nominees, I'm pleased to see the awesome Wally Pfister get recognition for his Dark Knight photography, and am convinced Claudio Miranda will walk it for making Benjamin Button look so gorgeous. That said, I've not seen Changeling or The Reader, and Daldry's Nazi-sex-book-fest is lit by the unstoppable double-team of Chris Menges and King Deakin (whose work here is hopefully more interesting than Revolutionary Road), so that stands a very good chance. As long as Anthony Dod Mantle doesn't win for his gaudy Slumdog photography, a seriously headache-inducing melange of nasty colours, showy focus-tricks, and those fucking Dutch tilts. Compared to Robert Yeoman's pristine work on The Darjeeling Limited from 2007, Dod Mantle's obnoxious work looks empty, ugly, and needlessly complex.


Peter Francis' art direction on Hellboy II, which got a single vote here, was ignored by the Academy, and I have to say, this was one of the longshots I thought might pay off (the other being Eiko Ishioka's costume design for TARSEM!s sumptuous The Fall). Instead, the customary praise for the costume dramas means the Troll Market, the BPRD HQ, the Devil's Causeway, the Brooklyn Bridge set, and the home of the Golden Army gets snubbed, even though they comprise some of the most beautiful environments on screens last year. That snub genuinely angers me, as I had thought Hellboy II had sewn up nominations in a few categories. The make-up nom eases my pain a bit, but it's still not good enough. Even though I'm happy The Dark Knight got a nomination in this category, I'd rather that went to the Hellboy team instead. Very sad.


Speed Racer gets a little love, certainly more than was handed to it by the effects community that votes in this category. Just as with John Gaeta's effects work on Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions, the envelope was well and truly pushed, with new technologies developed, but none of that mattered. The effects work on the three nominees is certainly good (in the case of Benjamin Button, it's exemplary), but Speed Racer deserved recognition. I guess the Academy members are more desperate to avoid the taint of failure than I had imagined (see also E.T.'s victory over Blade Runner). Of course, if they had picked Speed Racer they would have been vindicated by history, but they are cowards. COWARDS! [/Crazy John Givings]


Sadly, some Oscar losers didn't even get a face-saving vote in this most prestigious of polls. Excluded from Best Supporting Actress, arguably the category containing the worst nominations (Penelope Cruz over Rebecca Hall for Vicky Cristina Barcelona? Taraji P. Henson for her wheezing overacting?), Emily Mortimer wuz robbed, but then she did appear in a limited release martial arts flick from a writer whose recent ramblings about politics have probably made him persona non grata in Hollywood. It's a shame, as Mortimer gets better with every film, and I gather she was even better in Brad Anderson's Transiberia.


I have little to say about the lack of a costume design nomination for Eiko Ishioka on The Fall other than that big blowsy gowns for Keira Knightley are worthy of praise but the astonishing imagination on display in Tarsem's mad vision get nothing? Are these costume dramas getting nominated solely for research and the amount of work put in? In what universe does The Fall lose out on a nomination, other than our stupid one with shitty taste? Probably none. It's rare that awesome clothes will make me want to see a movie, but that's pretty much what happened here. Clothes, people. That's how good that work was.


While I'm angry at the Academy voters for that error of judgement, I can't blame them for not including Let The Right One In, the most intentionally depressing vampire movie ever made. While I'd hesitate to call it ZOMG Best Vampire Tale Ever Told, it's still a startling and bold movie filled with memorable setpieces and a stunning performance by Lena Leandersson. And yet Sweden was not about to be represented by a horror movie, even one as critically adored as this one, and so entered Everlasting Moments into competition instead. I also gather Let The Right One In was released too late for Sweden to endorse it, so who knows, it might be around next year instead. To be honest, originally I was going to put Gomorrah in this section, but I figured it was bound to get a nomination. This time the snub was due to Academy rules, and this omission is one of many frustrating moviegoers and critics. Well, apparently The Class is very good, and Waltz With Bashir looks interesting even as just a technical showcase, but still, this category has made me sad.


And Snow Angels got nothing at all either. I honestly thought it would be one of those indies that caught people's attention even though it was released early in the year, but by December any chatter about Hott Sam Rockwell was about his performance in Choke, and Kate Beckinsale was attracting buzz about Nothing But The Truth with little mention of her impressive work here, and that was all she wrote. A shame. The actual adapted screenplay nominees contain zero surprises. At a push I would pick Frost/Nixon (though who knows what I will think of The Reader or Doubt), but I know it's going to Eric Roth for The Pointless Repeat of Forrest Gump. Either that or Slumdog. It makes me weep. Or consider weeping. Whatever. It makes me not happy, anyway.

Is this the worst list of nominees in memory? The little victories (Richard Jenkins, In Bruges) pale next to the wrong (Benjamin Button should not be leading the noms), the frustrating (Dark Knight missing out on Best Picture), the criminal (The Boss not getting Best Song), and the anomalous (Wanted got as many nominations as Frozen River and The Wrestler). ::sigh:: I'll find some things to root for on the night, but it's a dispiriting list, full of cowardice and compromise. Anyway, a new poll is on the way. Watch this sporadically updated space!

Listmania! The Films of 2008, Part 4

I think this shall represent the final purging of the trivia rattling around my brain from 2008.

Welcome Miscellaneous Events of the Year: Nicholas Stoller and David Koepp making good use of Russell Brand and Ricky Gervais


I'm not really a fan of either British comedian, but in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Ghost Town both were great, playing to their strengths and their public personas perfectly. It's even made me like them a bit. It's miraculous.

Honourable Mentions:
Kate Beckinsale's strong performance in Snow Angels. So much better when not modelling rubber pants.
Seeing RADA-trained Shakespearean actor Adrian Lester playing a gun-toting hardass in Doomsday and seemingly relishing it.
The arrival of Rebecca Hall as a formidable screen presence.
Tim Roth's excellent performance as Emil Blonsky in The Incredible Hulk (usually I'm not a fan of his).

Unwelcome Miscellaneous Events of the Year: Fox being the biggest assholes in the world for trying to ruin the release of Watchmen. Will there be a boycott of X-Men Origins: Wolverine as a result? I'd like to hope it happens.


Dishonourable Mentions:
The incomprehensibility of the action scenes in Quantum of Solace and Eagle Eye.
The truly disheartening career choices of Al Pacino.
Taraji P. Henson's bizarre stereotypical acting choices in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
George Lucas's decision to make the character of Ziro the Hutt a weird lisping cross-dresser with Truman Capote's voice in Star Wars: The Clone Wars. An entire planet says, "WTF?"

Best Poster: The Dark Knight



Worst Poster: Bangkok Dangerous


Best Advertising Campaign of the Year: Cloverfield


After the trailer from last year, the campaign never really put a foot wrong. By the time the movie came out, there was no way even the worst reviews would have stopped us watching it.

Worst Advertising Campaign of the Year: The Incredible Hulk

Slender trailers, a couple of crappy TV spots, an inability to control the grouchy star (other than a funny bit on Jimmy Kimmel), and eventually, just before the release, a huge emphasis on the appearance of Robert Downey Jr., and the end of the movie being re-edited to give that tiny scene more prominence. No wonder the movie didn't make as much money as hoped. It all made the movie look like this rush-job trying to find an empty weekend during the busy summer season, but even a cursory look at the extras on the DVD show the astonishing amount of hard work and thought that went into it. Such a shame. Anyway, here's the Kimmel thing. It's the only vaguely good thing to come out of the shockingly mishandled campaign.



Least Discreet Advertising Campaign of the Year:


Wanted's many trailers gave away pretty much every WOW moment of the film. As the plot (minus the crazy Loom of Fate and exploding rats stuff) was very similar to the comic, it felt like a waste of time actually sitting through the movie. I can see that the movie was a tough sell, but couldn't they have kept some more stuff back for the film?

Coolest and Most Apt Cameo Sadly Relegated to a Deleted Scene on a DVD: Ghostface Killah in Iron Man

Most Deliriously Batshit Action Movie of the Year: Rambo


Honourable Mentions: Vantage Point, Eagle Eye, Chocolate

Vocal Sound Effect of the Year: “Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!” (Clint Eastwood - Gran Torino)

Catchphrase of the Year: "Let! Us! Fuck!" (Zack and Miri Make A Porno)

Most Welcome Trend of the Year (Other Than The Grudging Critical Respect Aimed At The Superhero Genre): The New Horror Renaissance


It's been going on for a while now, but even so, this year we were lucky enough to get Eden Lake, [Rec], The Orphanage, Let The Right One In and, arguably, the interesting adaptation of Scott Smith's horror classic The Ruins, all of which were of varying degrees of quality but definitely in the "very good" column. I feel like adding Neil Marshall's hugely entertaining Doomsday to that list, for being in such debt to John Carpenter, James Cameron, and George Miller, who all know how to make a suspenseful or horrifying movie. Marshall has shown he can duplicate those talents with ease. If I'm going to add that, I'll even make a case for Stuart Gordon's excellent Stuck, which is macabre, ghoulish, nail-biting suspense, as well as being a terrific comment on poverty and the pressures put on the working class, and features an excellent performance from Stephen Rea. It's been a long time since I was excited by the horror genre, and it's an odd feeling.

Least Welcome Trend of the Year: Post-Modern Cinema-Verite Movies about the War in Iraq

Don't get me wrong, it's vital we keep our eye on that war, and never forget that people are suffering there in simply horrible ways, but whereas documentaries like No End in Sight, Taxi To The Dark Side, and Standard Operating Procedure do their best to illuminate by giving voice to as many different observers as possible, Nick Broomfield's Battle For Haditha and Brian De Palma's Redacted try to create a different kind of "truth" by either recreating an atrocity or by staging a po-mo video collage of a fictional atrocity based on a real one. Both movies come from an honest place but mangle the truth through their different approaches; Broomfield with his docu-drama retelling, De Palma with his formalist tricks (fake French documentary footage, YouTube videos, CCTV, hand-held camera shots from soldiers documenting the events). Both movies intentionally feature non-actors playing unconvincing characters (more like avatars) saying clunky expositional dialogue, and featuring some bizarre choices.

For instance, Broomfield invents a composite character who is a major protagonist during the horrifying massacre of innocents. If you don't see the accompanying documentary (the name of which eludes me, regrettably) then you wouldn't know this, and you would assume that somehow that person had given his consent to Broomfield that he could show him in the film, or had had some hand in telling Broomfield what he was thinking and feeling throughout. As he didn't, all of that is now suspect, and whatever horrors the film presents are dulled by that knowledge. Just as annoying, Redacted is not based on a real event, due to legal difficulties, and as such seems like little more than a remake of Casualties of War. Even though we know there was indeed an incident similar to this, the film just muddies the waters and makes it harder for the viewer to figure out what is really going on over there.


As for the hand-held camera, it's not a convention I usually object to. I just think it really only works in movies like Cloverfield and [Rec], where using the participant frame as a method of generating new ways of delivering shocks to the audience is far more tasteful than, say De Palma's use of it. Even more annoying is that is has been proved that a docu-drama can be made that hews as close to the objective truth as it is possible to. Paul Greengrass' astonishing United 93 should be a template to follow, made with as much attention to detail and first-hand accounting as it is possible to. Admittedly Broomfield couldn't get the same level of access to the real participants as Greengrass, but still, there are avoidable choices made that damage his movie.

It's doubly frustrating because these are stories that need to be told and, especially in the case of Haditha, were done with such incredibly good intentions. This article by Broomfield shows how committed he was to telling this story to the best of his abilities. Unfortunately, in the telling of them, by blurring the lines of fact and fiction, and by filling the characters' mouths with words that no normal person would ever say, they have inadvertently distanced the audience from the real horrors. They're still essential viewing, though.

Most Relentless Use of Religious Imagery in a Science Fiction Tale: Dante 01


Dishonourable Mention: Wall*E

Best Hair: Viggo Mortensen's face fuzz (Appaloosa)


He looks like a bit of a dandy but he will fuck you up, for reals.

Worst Hair: Nicolas Cage (Bangkok Dangerous)


Does using shampoo ruin his deadly assassin's aim or something?

Most Improbably Styled Hair: Camilla Belle's pristine dreads in 10000 B.C.


Apparently we're descended from Rasta Valley Girls.

Best Use of Kristen Wiig: Ghost Town


Worst Use of Kristen Wiig: Cutting her entirely out of the cinema release of Forgetting Sarah Marshall



Adorable Screen Couple of the Year: Robert Downey Jr. and Gwyneth Paltrow (Iron Man)


Honourable Mentions:
Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks (Zack and Miri Make a Porno), Mos Def and Melonie Diaz (Be Kind Rewind)

Crap Screen Couple of the Year: Vin Diesel and Mélanie Thierry (Babylon A.D.)


Dishonourable Mentions: Shia LaBeouf and Michelle Monaghan (Eagle Eye), Hayden Christensen and Rachel Bilson (Jumper)

Inappropriate and Just Downright Creepy Screen Couple of the Year: Kåre Hedebrant and Lina Leandersson (Let The Right One In)


"Oh Man, At Last!" Couple of the Year: Harrison Ford and Karen Allen (Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull)


"Jesus, Just Split Up Already!" Couple of the Year: Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel (The Happening)


Dishonourable Mention: Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet (Revolutionary Road), Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman (The Strangers)

Most Awkward and Unconvincing Couple of the Year: Edward Norton and Liv Tyler (The Incredible Hulk)


Utterly Improbable Couple of the Year: James McAvoy and Angelina Jolie (Wanted)


Dishonourable Mention: Jim Sturgess and Kate Bosworth (21)

Most Gratuitous Kissing Between Two Hotties Just So The Director Can Get His Rocks Off: Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson in Vicky Cristina Barcelona


Worst Ending to a Relationship: Kate Beckinsale and Hott Sam Rockwell in Snow Angels


Dishonourable Mentions: Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet (Revolutionary Road), Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman (The Strangers)

Likeable Manic Pixie Dream Girl of the Year: Rachel Jansen (Mila Kunis - Forgetting Sarah Marshall)


Honourable Mention: Chloë - (Clémence Poésy - In Bruges)

Unlikeable Manic Pixie Dream Girl - Valentina (Natalya Rudakova - Transporter 3)


Dishonourable Mention: Fox (Angelina Jolie - Wanted)

Convincing Lust Object of the Year: Daniel Craig (Quantum of Solace)


Honourable Mention: Javier Bardem (Vicky Cristina Barcelona)

Unconvincing Lust Object of the Year: Al Pacino (88 Minutes)


Dishonourable Mention: Kate Bosworth (21)

"Kate Winslet In Little Children" Award For Least Believable Unattractiveness: Marisa Tomei in The Wrestler


We're supposed to think Tomei, as stripper Cassidy, looks so old that no one wants her to dance for them? Bullshit. She's looking as good as ever, though kudos to her for selling that plot point.

Most Amusing Critical Crush of the Year: Stephanie Zacharek's potentially compromising soft spot for Jason Statham

At the end of the year, Stephanie Zacharek, film critic for Salon, had her end of year list (somewhat smaller than mine), with a big list of honourable mentions. Among the usual suspects, there was also The Bank Job and Transporter 3, two movies that really are just not that good. When we had a closer look at her reviews for both movies, we found out why: Stephanie + Jason 4evah!


Hilariously, her reviews for both movies (and Death Race, which she was also easy on), were basically mash notes to the Brit Bruiser. Here are some highlights:

"Statham is sexy all right, with that beefcake-pinup chest, but the sexiest thing about him is what's going on upstairs, and his voice alone is delectable: It sounds like a cat's tongue feels." (Transporter 3)

"The look in Statham's eyes reassures [Keeley Hawes] more than his words ever could -- they have a melting quality that counterbalances the rough, masculine raspiness of his voice. In the press notes for "The Bank Job," Donaldson says that Statham reminds him of a British Steve McQueen, and the comparison makes sense. In "The Bank Job," Statham is a sex symbol with a soul..." (The Bank Job)

"Anderson's camera [casts] its unapologetically erotic view on Statham's perfectly chiseled mug -- his stubble is so artfully dappled it could have been painted by Carravagio... There's no doubt he makes a fine physical specimen in any picture: His muscles have that mysterious filmic quality of looking both rock-hard and pillowy at once... Statham moves with such easy grace that you don't have to work hard to believe him. And if he can stand up to Joan Allen, melting her predatory stare with his own molten gaze, then it's clear he's not just the prettiest guy on the prison block, but also the toughest." (Death Race)

I wish she had reviewed In The Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale as well. I'd wager she definitely owns it.

Okay, I reckon that should be enough. Normal service can be resumed now.