Well, as a result of faffing about all day and not getting anything constructive done, I thought hey, time to be lazy and post a YouTube clip and wonk on about it! Easy. This blogging business is a piece of piss. Sadly, the internet has let me down again. Why oh why oh why has no one put the amazing helicopter explosion from Andrew Davis' Under Siege on YouTube? I can find a million clips from Black Dawn, for crying out loud, but only a couple of badly recorded clips from Under Siege. This is as good as it gets; the trailer, featuring a quick shot of the stunt at the end.
His most successful film! It's probably Warner Brothers pulling them down, which is understandable, but very sad for those of us who want to pay tribute to the awesomeness of Steven "Blues and Explosions" Seagal taking out a Huey (or something) with a knife, a can of paint thinner, and a grenade, and then jumping over the side of an aircraft carrier as it bursts into a ball of orange flaming death. It really is something to behold. So, another post ruined, for which I am eternally sorry. To make up for it, I figured I should post a clip that is arguably even better; the gratuitously brutal bar scene from Seagal's masterpiece, Out For Justice, directed by the late, great John Flynn.
Out For Justice was the first Seagal movie I ever saw, and it never got topped, which is kind of a shame, but it was good enough that I would continue to follow his career even when it went wonky and unpredictable. So good that I would buy Ticker, possibly the third worst movie ever made. So good that I would strongly consider buying a copy of Out For A Kill, the second worst movie ever made (the first is Lars Von Trier's pompous burning-turd-bag of a movie, Dancer In The Dark, which sadly does not feature Seagal). So good that I'm going to buy another copy of Vern's Seagology even though I already downloaded the ebook a while back. So good that I actually like his Thunderbox album, Mojo Priest. He's no B.B. King, obviously, but it's kind of a fun album, if you're willing to be forgiving.
There is so much to love in this scene. The outrageous brutality, the stick fight, the running gag with the phone booth. Introducing a killer pool ball is a magnificent touch; the sound effect of it banging against the stone floor being replicated whenever it crashes into teeth and skull is sickening and intimidating. Even better is Seagal's line readings and dodgy accent, something that sounds off throughout the movie but goes totally berserk here. "Anybody seen Rich-EEE? Anybody know why Richie did Bobby Lu-PO? I'm gonna keep coming back til somebody. REMEMBERS. Seeing Rich-EEE!"
My personal favourite moment is when he preceeds an order to the gathered bad guys to stand on the pool tables with the whiny line, "You know Vinnie, ah'm startin' to get inuh bad mood, you know. Maybe it's my moodswings, or my hormones, I dunno. Maybe it's my need to impose my will." Obviously this doesn't faze anyone, and when he fires two bullets into the ceiling to get everyone's attention Vinnie chastises him about it because there might be people upstairs. I love that he genuinely seems confused for a moment, like he forgot where he was. Anyway, check it out.
Enough about Seagal. Turns out this week there was another fight that happened this week, one that gives even that epic battle a run for its money. Conan vs. Colbert and Stewart. Obviously it shows that without writers the show hosts have really started to run out of ideas and only a fight pastiche could adequately fill the air time, but that doesn't dim its brilliance, nor the novelty of seeing TV hosts pretending to kick the shit out of each other, or Colbert's startlingly good impression of Bruce Lee's nimble footwork.
Remember, Steve, don't concentrate on the finger, or you will miss all that heavenly glory. [/Obnoxious Enter The Dragon reference]
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